Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
