i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
