why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
