you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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