You work out of a Hotel?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
