Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
