So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
