I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
