you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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