You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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