You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
