I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
