you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
