you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
