i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.