I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
