Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
foreskin is a definite game changer
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
