I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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