youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
