the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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