I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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