Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
