I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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