remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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