Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
