my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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