I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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