I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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