On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
