How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
