So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
