my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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