I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
