Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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