R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
