I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
