The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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