im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
