I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
