She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just puked most of my soul out..
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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