come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
