if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
