Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
