i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
