I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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