it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
