So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
