This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
