You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
