It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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