Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
