i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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