i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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