we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
